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“We are like a family here.” It sounds warm. It sounds loyal. It sounds like belonging. But in workplaces, family language often backfires. It can blur boundaries, normalize overextension, and turn loyalty into an unspoken expectation that people give more than is healthy or sustainable. People do not need a family at work. They need safety. That does not mean cold, distant, or transactional. It means clear roles, emotional boundaries, respect, trust, and the freedom to speak honestly without being shamed, punished, or pushed beyond capacity. TL;DR Family language often asks people to bend, stretch, sacrifice, and stay loyal beyond healthy limits. Safety-centered culture supports people within clear boundaries, not at the expense of them. Try a 2-minute feelings check-in at your next meeting to start building emotional safety without blurring boundaries. Start here: free download Guide to Holding Community Meetings Use this guide to bring structure, voice, and support into your meetings without turning work into family. Why “we are like a family” sounds good but creates problems When leaders say, “we are like a family,” they are usually trying to communicate care. The intention may be good. The impact can be very different. In many workplaces, family language quietly creates expectations that are never fully named. People feel pressure to skip time off, work late, say yes to extra responsibilities, and sacrifice their wellbeing in the name of loyalty. That is not love. That is an unspoken expectation dressed up as belonging. Former Netflix chief talent officer Patty McCord has put it bluntly: workplaces are teams, not families. Teams thrive on clarity, accountability, trust, and shared purpose. Families can excuse dysfunction and blur boundaries. Healthy workplaces cannot afford that. Family culture vs safety-centered culture Family culture says Safety-centered culture says We always have each other’s back, even if it costs us. We support each other within clear boundaries. Loyalty means saying yes. Trust means I can say yes, no, or not now. We sacrifice for the mission. We protect people so the mission is sustainable. We do not talk about tension because we are family. We can name tension because the relationship is strong enough to hold it. People stay because they feel obligated. People stay because they feel safe, valued, and clear about their role. What safety actually means at work When I walk into organizations and ask people what is missing, one word comes up again and again: safety. Safety does not mean people are never uncomfortable. That distinction matters. Safety does not eliminate pressure, challenge, accountability, or hard conversations. True safety makes honest feedback and accountability possible. It means people trust they will not be shamed or punished for speaking up, asking for help, naming a different viewpoint, or showing up authentically. Safety also does not look the same for everyone. For one person, safety may mean clear expectations. For another, it may mean being heard. For another, it may mean knowing there is a predictable way to ask for support. Leaders have to ask and adapt. A safety-centered culture includes belonging and boundaries Safety is connected to equity, inclusion, and belonging. Those words may be politicized right now, but the human need underneath them has not changed. People need to know their voices matter, especially the voices most often silenced: women, people of color, frontline staff, newer employees, and those without formal power. Inclusion and belonging are not side effects of safety. They are proof that safety is real. A family culture may say, “we bend, we sacrifice, we stretch, we give beyond.” A safety-centered culture says, “we support each other within clear boundaries.” The 2-minute feelings check-in If you want one simple place to begin, start your next meeting with a feelings check-in. You only need a feelings wheel and two minutes. Here is how it works: Pull up or print a feelings wheel. Invite everyone to choose one word that matches how they feel. Go around the room. Each person shares only the word, with no fixing and no explaining required. Receive the words without trying to rescue, correct, solve, or investigate. That last piece matters. If someone says, “I feel resentful,” the leader’s first instinct may be to fix it immediately. Pause. Let the word be named first. No fixing. No explaining. Just naming. This short ritual normalizes emotion, honors voice, and builds safety without blurring boundaries. Download the deeper tool Guide to Holding Community Meetings The full community meeting structure includes more than a feelings word. It helps teams name what is happening, identify goals, and ask for support. Two real-world reminders: safety prevents burnout I once worked with a school principal who often said, “we are a family here.” Everything seemed fine until fatigue and resentment started to surface. When she shifted from family language to safety language and began each meeting with a feelings word, teachers started naming stress before it turned into burnout. One teacher shared that for the first time in a long time, she did not feel like she had to hide how tired she was. Just naming it gave her space to breathe. Safety gave her back her humanity. I have also seen the opposite. A nonprofit leader leaned hard into “we always have each other’s back.” It sounded supportive, but people stopped taking vacations. They stopped saying no. They said yes to every committee and eventually walked away burned out. One staff member said, “I loved the mission, but I could not survive the culture.” That is the cost of family talk. A mission people love can be undone by a culture no one can survive. A quick self-audit for leaders When was the last time you felt truly safe to speak up at work? What made that possible? Are you creating those same conditions for others? Are your words inspiring boundaries, or are they burning out your people? Do people stay because they feel safe, or because they feel obligated? What to say instead of “we are family” “We are a team, and we take care of each other within healthy boundaries.” “You are not expected to sacrifice your wellbeing to prove your commitment.” “We can care deeply about the mission and still protect our capacity.” “It is safe to name what you need, even when the work is hard.” “We do not need to be family to be respectful, accountable, and supportive.” FAQ Why is saying “we are like a family” at work a problem? It can create pressure to overextend, blur boundaries, and treat loyalty as an obligation rather than something earned through trust and support. What should leaders say instead of “we are family”? Leaders can say, “we are a team,” “we support each other within healthy boundaries,” or “we care about people and protect capacity.” What is a safety-centered workplace culture? A safety-centered culture is one where people have clear roles, emotional boundaries, respect, trust, and the ability to speak honestly without being shamed or punished. Does safety mean avoiding accountability? No. True safety makes accountability possible because people can lean into hard conversations without fear of shame, punishment, or retaliation. What is one simple way to build safety in a meeting? Start with a 2-minute feelings check-in. Ask each person to name one feeling word, then receive it without fixing or explaining. Next steps: downloads first, then speaking and training support If you are trying to build a culture where people can do meaningful work without burning out, start with one tool and one meeting ritual. Download the Guide to Holding Community Meetings and try a feelings check-in this week. If you want a broader framework for people-first organizational culture, download the Five Core Agreements Assessment Toolkit. If your team, district, agency, court, or nonprofit is ready for a deeper shift, Chefalo Consulting can support your leaders through speaking, training, and implementation support. Free downloads Guide to Holding Community Meetings Five Core Agreements Assessment Toolkit Burnout Prevention Plan Trauma-Informed Implementation Guide Paid resource / next step Leading with Humanity eBook Book Shenandoah to speak or train Book a discovery call Listen to the episode: Mindful Management Podcast | Trauma-Informed Leadership & Burnout Prevention | Chefalo Consulting People do not stay for family. They stay where they feel safe. Poli poli, slowly, slowly. One step at a time.

There is a moment in leadership that matters more than most people realize. It is not the polished presentation. It is not the vision statement. It is not even the team-building retreat. It is the moment after something goes wrong. The moment after you speak too sharply. The moment after a team member shuts down in a meeting. The moment after trust feels strained. The moment after someone feels unseen, dismissed, corrected in a way that lands hard, or left holding something they should never have had to carry alone. That is where leadership becomes real. Because trust is not built by avoiding hard moments. Trust is built by how we respond to them. In trauma-informed and human-centered leadership, repair is not a soft skill on the side. It is a core leadership skill. It is one of the clearest ways people learn whether your care is real, whether your accountability is trustworthy, and whether your workplace is actually safe enough for people to stay present, honest, and engaged. I know this personally because I have had moments in leadership where I left a conversation knowing I had been clear, but also knowing I had not been as grounded as I wanted to be. I was moving fast. I was carrying too much. I was focused on the outcome. And while my intention may have been to solve a problem, that was not the only thing people experienced from me in that moment. What mattered most was not pretending it had gone fine. What mattered was coming back, telling the truth about my part, and making a repair. That is one of the most important things I have learned about leadership: trust is not built because we never get it wrong. It is built because we know how to come back when we do. Repair Is Not About Being Perfect Many leaders still carry an unspoken belief that good leadership means getting it right the first time. Say the right thing. Make the right call. Stay composed. Never miss. Never cause harm. Never need to circle back. But that is not leadership. That is performance. Real leadership happens in human moments. And human moments are messy. You will misread something. You will be under pressure. You will miss impact. You will say something with one intention and it will land another way. You will make decisions that people do not experience the way you hoped they would. That does not automatically make you a bad leader. What matters is what you do next. Trauma-informed leadership is not about being endlessly patient or conflict-free. It is about how you use your power and how you show up in stress. It is about whether people experience you as reactive, avoidant, defensive, performative, or steady enough to acknowledge impact and move toward repair. What Repair Actually Means Repair is not over-apologizing. It is not self-shaming. It is not collapsing into guilt. It is not trying to make the discomfort disappear as quickly as possible. Repair means you are willing to notice impact, take responsibility, and respond in a way that helps restore trust. Sometimes that sounds like: “I need to come back to how I handled that.” “I was too abrupt in that conversation, and I do not want to move past it without acknowledging it.” “I can see that landed hard.” “I was focused on the task, but I missed the impact.” “I want to repair this, not explain it away.” Repair is not about making yourself look good. It is about making the relationship safer and clearer. The Difference Between Repair and Rescuing This distinction matters. Repair is not the same as rescuing. Rescuing often looks like trying to take away discomfort before understanding it. It can sound like reassurance, over-accommodation, or a rush to fix emotions so the leader can feel better again. Repair is steadier than that. Repair does not erase expectations. Repair does not eliminate accountability. Repair does not mean you never hold a boundary or deliver difficult feedback. Repair means you do those things in a way that is clear, grounded, and connected. You can say: “I need to address what happened.” and also say: “I want to do that in a way that is respectful and productive.” You can hold the standard and repair the relationship. In fact, that is often what strong leadership requires. Why Repair Matters So Much in the Workplace Most teams do not lose trust because conflict exists. They lose trust because people do not know what will happen after conflict. Will the leader ignore it? Will they get defensive? Will they pretend nothing happened? Will they make it about their intentions instead of the other person’s experience? Will they expect everyone to just move on? Will they quietly punish honesty later? People are always reading for these cues. That is especially true in workplaces where stress is high, roles are demanding, and people have learned that speaking honestly comes with risk. When leaders know how to repair, they send a powerful signal: You do not have to be perfect to belong here. Hard moments can be addressed here. Power does not have to become harm here. Accountability can exist without humiliation here. That kind of signal changes culture. Why Leaders Avoid Repair If repair is so important, why do so many leaders avoid it? Because repair requires something many systems do not teach: self-awareness without collapse. A lot of leaders were trained to move fast, stay composed, and keep things moving. They learned how to manage optics, outcomes, and urgency. But they were not taught how to slow down enough to notice impact without becoming defensive or flooded. So instead, they: explain instead of acknowledge rationalize instead of repair double down instead of reflect avoid instead of circle back confuse authority with distance confuse accountability with harshness confuse care with rescuing None of that creates trust. It creates uncertainty. And uncertainty is one of the fastest ways to erode safety, belonging, and engagement. What Repair Looks Like in Practice Repair does not have to be dramatic. Most of the time, it is simple, specific, and timely. Here are a few examples of what repair can look like: 1. Name the moment Do not pretend it did not happen. If the room got tense, if your tone changed, if someone visibly withdrew, if a conversation went sideways, name it. You do not need a perfect script. You need honesty. “I want to come back to that moment.” “I do not feel good about how that landed.” “I think something in that exchange needs attention.” 2. Own your part Take responsibility for what is yours without overexplaining. This is where many leaders lose trust. They move too quickly into intention, context, or justification. Repair usually starts with ownership. “I interrupted you.” “I was sharper than I needed to be.” “I pushed for speed and missed what you were trying to say.” “I gave feedback in a way that was not grounded.” 3. Stay out of defensiveness If the other person tells you how it landed, listen. You do not have to agree with every interpretation to hear the impact. You do not have to become the villain to stay accountable. You do not have to collapse in order to be responsible. You can simply say: “Thank you for telling me.” “I can see that.” “I understand why that affected you that way.” “I appreciate you being direct with me.” 4. Clarify what will be different Repair builds trust when it is connected to changed behavior. Otherwise, it can start to feel performative. Try: “Next time, I want to slow that down.” “I need to handle that conversation privately, not in the moment.” “I want to be clearer without escalating the room.” “I should have asked a question before making an assumption.” 5. Rebuild through consistency One conversation can matter a lot. But long-term trust is rebuilt through repeated behavior. People believe repair when they experience a different pattern over time. That means your follow-through matters. Your tone in the next meeting matters. The way you handle the next hard conversation matters. Whether people experience you as more grounded, more honest, and more accountable over time is what gives repair its credibility. A single apology may open the door. Consistency is what walks trust back through it. This is why repair is not just a moment. It is a practice. And in strong workplace cultures, that practice becomes visible in everyday leadership behavior. A Few Practical Micro-Scripts for Leaders If you want this to become more natural, start here. After a tense meeting: “I want to come back to how I handled that. I was too abrupt, and I do not want to move on without acknowledging it.” After interrupting or dismissing someone: “I realize I cut you off. I want to slow down and hear what I missed.” After feedback landed harder than intended: “My intention was clarity, but I do not think I delivered it well. I want to repair that.” After someone withdraws or goes quiet: “I noticed a shift just now. If that moment had impact, I want to make space to address it.” After a leadership decision creates strain: “I still stand by the need for the decision, but I want to acknowledge the way it affected people and how we communicate it going forward.” These are not magic words. But they create an opening. And openings matter. What Happens When Leaders Learn How to Repair When leaders learn how to repair, a few things start to change. Hard conversations become more productive. Feedback becomes less threatening. Boundaries become clearer. People stop spending so much energy managing the emotional unpredictability of the room. Trust deepens because people see that rupture does not automatically mean abandonment, punishment, or disconnection. This is especially important in high-stakes workplaces where pressure is constant and people are already carrying a lot. In those environments, leadership is not measured only by what you intend. It is measured by what people experience from you repeatedly. Related Resources If this topic resonates, here are a few next steps: Mindful Management Podcast For deeper conversations on burnout, trust, workplace culture, and human-centered leadership. Trauma-Informed Leadership 101 A practical starting point for leaders who want shared language, foundational tools, and a clearer path forward. Relationship-Building Scripts and Working Through Difference Practical support for hard conversations, trust-building, and leading with steadiness in real time. Final Thought You do not build trust by never getting it wrong. You build trust by being the kind of leader who knows how to come back, tell the truth, take responsibility, and move toward repair with steadiness. That is not weakness. That is not softness. That is not a lowering of standards. That is leadership. And in workplaces shaped by stress, urgency, and disconnection, it may be one of the most important leadership skills we have. If your organization is ready to do more than talk about culture change, this is the work. At Chefalo Consulting, we partner with leaders and organizations who want to do the deeper work of building trust, shifting culture, strengthening accountability, and creating workplaces where people can thrive without sacrificing their humanity in the process. This work is not about quick fixes or surface-level morale boosts. It is about real transformation in how people lead, communicate, supervise, repair, and work together every day. If that is the kind of change you are committed to, we would be honored to support you.

What if culture was not a poster or a pep talk, but an operating system that quietly shapes every decision your people make every single day. In a recent Mindful Management episode, I spoke with David J. Friedman, founder of High Performing Culture and CultureWise, and author of Fundamentally Different and Culture by Design. David built a high performing company by treating culture as a discipline, not a slogan. Here is what stood out most: culture becomes real when leaders define the behaviors they want, then build rituals that make those behaviors repeatable under pressure. That is how you stop the flavor of the month cycle and build something sustainable. TL;DR Values are often abstract. Behaviors are observable actions. Culture is what people do. Define the behaviors that drive success, then teach and coach them. Rituals make culture stick because most organizations are not great at sticking with things without systems. Remote and hybrid work make culture by default risky. Culture has to become systematic. Start without a big budget by using one meeting ritual every week. Start here: a free download for meeting rituals Guide to Holding Community Meetings https://guide.chefaloconsulting.com/community-meetings If you want a trauma-informed ritual that creates consistency and psychological safety, start with a community meeting. It uses three evidence-based questions: How are you feeling, what is your goal, and what support do you need. Culture is behaviors, not buzzwords David makes a language distinction that matters: values versus behaviors. Values are often abstract concepts like integrity, respect, loyalty, commitment, and service. They sound good, but they can mean different things to different people. Behaviors are actions you can observe and coach. Examples David shared include listen generously, speak straight, get clear on expectations, honor commitments, and practice blameless problem solving. When leaders define culture as behaviors, they can roll up their sleeves and do something about it. Behavior change is a discipline. That makes culture change practical instead of fuzzy. Good culture is not the same as high-performing culture David names a distinction many leaders need to hear: a good culture is not always a high performing culture. A workplace can feel comfortable, but still lack the behaviors needed for performance, accountability, and results. High performing cultures still value people. They just get clear about how people work together to deliver outcomes consistently. The Ritz-Carlton lesson: define basics, then ritualize them David shared the moment his culture work became systematic. In 2003, he took his team to the Ritz-Carlton to learn how their service is so consistent. Two practices changed his leadership path: Ritz-Carlton basics: a defined set of behaviors they teach and expect. The daily lineup: a short ritual that reinforces the basic of the day at the beginning of each shift. David went home and created his own version. He wrote a list of behaviors he called fundamentals, then created a rhythm: the fundamental of the week. Each week, the team focuses on one behavior through simple rituals, then cycles through the list again and again. Why rituals matter Rituals are habits. They are routines that make the right behavior easier to repeat even when people are busy or stressed. This is why culture initiatives become the flavor of the month. Without rituals, leaders rely on discipline and good intentions. That does not scale. The goal is to weave culture into the work that is already happening. That is the difference between a training that feels good and a culture that actually changes. The simplest ritual you can implement without a budget If you lead a school, public agency, nonprofit, or a team inside a larger system, you may not have a culture budget or a software platform. You can still start. David’s simplest recommendation is a meeting ritual that costs nothing: Create a short list of the behaviors that drive success on your team. Put them in order. Choose one per week as your behavior of the week. In every meeting you already have, spend the first three to five minutes on that behavior. Repeat the cycle until it becomes your language. The power of a common language One of the strongest benefits David sees is a common language. When a team shares the same behavior language, leaders can name what is needed in the moment without shaming people. Examples: “I need you to listen generously right now,” or “Let’s practice blameless problem solving.” When everyone agrees what those phrases mean, trust increases and conflict de-escalates faster. This is also where trauma-informed practice shows up. Common language reduces ambiguity. Ambiguity increases nervous system stress. Clarity and consistency reduce it. Remote and hybrid culture: you cannot rely on proximity Remote and hybrid environments force leaders to be systematic about culture. Physical proximity no longer carries the culture for you. The good news is that behavior rituals work just as well remotely. Meetings still happen. You can still start meetings with the behavior of the week. You can still reinforce the language. A 30-day start for leaders who feel overwhelmed Try this 30-day start: Week 1: Write your list of 10 to 15 behaviors. Keep them action-based. Week 2: Pick one behavior. Start every meeting with three minutes on it. Week 3: Ask your team, “What does this behavior look like when we are stressed?” Week 4: Add one reinforcement ritual, for example a closing question: “Where did we practice this well this week?” FAQ What is a culture operating system? A culture operating system is a defined set of behaviors, taught and reinforced through rituals, so culture is repeatable and coachable instead of accidental. What is the difference between values and behaviors? Values are abstract ideas. Behaviors are observable actions. Behaviors are easier to teach, coach, and measure. What is the easiest culture ritual to start with? Start every meeting you already have with three to five minutes on the behavior of the week. No new meetings required. Can this work in remote and hybrid teams? Yes. Rituals and common language can be reinforced in virtual meetings just as effectively. How does this support psychological safety? Common language and predictable rituals reduce ambiguity. Ambiguity increases stress. Clarity and consistency make it safer to speak up and solve problems. Next steps: downloads first, then support for implementation If you want help defining your behavior set, building rituals that fit your context, and coaching leaders to sustain it, Chefalo Consulting can help. Start with one download, then book a discovery call when you are ready to implement. Free downloads Guide to Holding Community Meetings: https://guide.chefaloconsulting.com/community-meetings Five Core Agreements Assessment Toolkit: https://guide.chefaloconsulting.com/five-core-agreements Burnout Prevention Plan: https://guide.chefaloconsulting.com/burnout-prevention-plan Implementation Overview: Implementation Overview Discovery call: https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/bookings/shenandoah-discovery 2-minute quiz: https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/quiz/tGK9qmCLmhUj1ggJKwv3 Listen to the episode: Culture by Design: Turning Everyday Behaviors into a Workplace That Actually Works | Podcasts

When teams feel tense, avoidant, or quietly disconnected, most leaders try to solve it with a policy, a training, or a new set of values. Those can help, but culture is shaped in the everyday moments: how people meet, how they raise concerns, and how leaders respond when the truth shows up. In a Mindful Management conversation with leadership expert Steven Gaffney, one idea stood out: the biggest communication problem is often not what gets said, it is what stays unsaid. When the unsaid stays trapped, it leaks into morale, trust, and performance. This post gives you a practical, trauma-informed way to reduce that pressure: a simple meeting rhythm that supports emotional safety at work, clarity, and follow-through, especially in hybrid systems. What you will get from this post A 10 to 15 minute daily huddle that reduces chaos and increases support A communication rhythm that helps hybrid teams stay aligned A trauma-informed approach to feedback that makes honesty safer Free downloads you can use immediately, plus the next step to get implementation support Why Emotional Safety at Work Matters for Team Performance Many organizations talk about psychological safety. That is important. Emotional safety goes one layer deeper: it is the felt sense that I can speak up and stay connected. I can tell the truth, ask for help, and still belong here. This matters in schools, public agencies, nonprofits, courts, and mission-driven teams where stress is high and the stakes are real. When people do not feel safe to be honest, leaders lose the information they need to make good decisions. Small issues become system problems. Gaffney names the most common barrier clearly: fear. Fear of retribution. Fear of saying it wrong. Fear that someone will not forgive it later. Even when people logically believe they will not be punished, their bodies may still brace for impact. That is why emotional safety is a leadership practice, not a slogan. Need language for hard conversations? Two supporting reads from Chefalo Consulting: 7 Trauma-Informed Phrases I Use Every Day: https://www.chefaloconsulting.com/post/7-trauma-informed-phrases-i-use-every-day-as-a-trauma-informed-consultant 11 Trauma-Informed Boundary Phrases to Use at Work: https://www.chefaloconsulting.com/post/11-trauma-informed-boundary-phrases-to-use-at-work The meeting rhythm that helps teams speak up If your organization feels like it has too many meetings, you are probably right. The answer is not more meetings. The answer is fewer, better meetings that create a predictable rhythm. A communication rhythm means your team knows: When we connect What we talk about in each forum How we raise issues How decisions get made How feedback moves up and down the system Here are six meeting types that create stability without adding noise. Start with the first one, then build from there. 1) Daily Headline Huddle (10 to 15 minutes) This is one of the simplest, highest impact practices for team clarity. The huddle answers two questions: What do others need to know? What do I need help with? That shift matters. People stop working in isolation and start thinking like a team. When done well, a daily huddle eliminates many distractions because issues have a clear place to land. Trauma-informed tip: participation matters more than cameras. Create consistency and care. Avoid shaming people for how they show up. Free downloads to support your huddle Community Meeting Checklist Five Core Agreements Assessment Toolkit 2) Weekly tactical meeting (decisions, not updates) Most weekly meetings fail because they become a parade of updates. Save updates for asynchronous tools when possible. Use the weekly meeting for decisions: Tradeoffs Resourcing Removing barriers Assigning owners and due dates A helpful rule: if your weekly meeting ends with "we should circle back," it is probably not designed for decisions. 3) Strategic sessions (protected time for complex issues) If leaders say their team is not thinking strategically, the fix is not "try harder." The fix is scheduling strategic work. Strategic sessions are where you take one complex issue and stay with it long enough to do it well: A culture or climate challenge A service delivery bottleneck A staffing or retention problem A cross-department breakdown A policy shift that creates fear or confusion This is where systems change lives: not in one-off trainings, but in repeated, protected practice. 4) Skip-level conversations (feedback that moves upward) Skip-level meetings help leaders understand how messages land across levels, not just how they were intended. Keep them simple: listen for patterns, then fix systems, not individuals. Trauma-informed boundary: frame skip-levels as learning, not surveillance. If people think it is a test, the truth will not show up. 5) Short all-hands updates (clarity beats rumor) Large systems often rely on email to communicate big change. Email is a poor tool for nuance. People fill in tone and intent with their own stories. A short all-hands update, delivered live or by video, helps your people hear you clearly and consistently. Keep it short. Repeat what matters. Name what is changing, what is staying, and where people can ask questions. 6) Human connection time (optional, not forced fun) This is not about games. It is about remembering you are working with human beings. In trauma-informed work, relationships are not extra. They are infrastructure. Try optional brown-bag conversations, shared lunches, or structured peer support time, especially during high-change seasons. Hybrid work: what to do with the remote vs in-office debate Gaffney shares research showing that when employees have experienced both remote and in-office work, many rate in-office work as more effective. The leadership takeaway is not that remote work is bad. The takeaway is that connection needs design. If your team is hybrid or remote, the rhythm above becomes even more important. Consistency lowers anxiety. Predictability reduces misfires. When people know when and how to raise issues, they are less likely to carry them alone. How to reduce meetings without losing connection If you are thinking, "This is more meetings," pause. This is not about adding hours. It is about replacing chaos with clarity. Start by subtracting. Ask: Which standing meetings are only updates and can be moved to email or a shared doc? Which committees have completed their purpose but keep meeting out of habit? Where are we discussing the same issue in multiple forums because decisions are unclear? When a daily huddle is working, many random interruptions disappear because people trust there is a place to bring issues. Free download for leaders managing burnout risk Burnout Check-in A simple 7-day implementation plan Day 1: Announce a 10 to 15 minute Daily Headline Huddle for the next 2 weeks. Explain the purpose: clarity, support, and fewer interruptions. Day 2: Run the first huddle. Use the two questions and end with owners and next steps. Day 3: Replace one "got a minute" interruption with: "Bring it to tomorrow's huddle so we can solve it in the right place." Day 4: Identify one unsaid issue you have been avoiding. Name it with care, then ask, "What do we need to make this workable?" Day 5: Schedule one stay interview with a strong team member. Ask what helps them stay, what drains them, and what support would help. Day 6: Review your meeting calendar. Choose one meeting to stop this month. Day 7: Ask your team: What is working? What feels safer? What still feels hard? Then make one small adjustment. FAQ What is emotional safety at work? Emotional safety is the felt sense that I can be honest, ask for help, and name concerns without fear of humiliation, retaliation, or disconnection. How long should a daily huddle be? Most teams do best at 10 to 15 minutes. Keep it consistent, focused, and grounded in what others need to know and what help is needed. Can emotional safety be built in hybrid teams? Yes. Hybrid teams can thrive when leaders build consistent rhythms, clarify expectations, and respond with curiosity instead of defensiveness. What is a stay interview? A stay interview is a short conversation to understand what makes people want to stay, what is draining them, and what support would help them do their best work. Next steps: download tools, then get implementation support If you want to start immediately, choose one download and use it with your team this week. Then, if you want help tailoring the rhythm to your system, schedule a discovery call with Chefalo Consulting. Free downloads Community Meeting Checklist Five Core Agreements Assessment Toolkit Burnout Check-in 2-minute quiz: Is Your Leadership Truly Trauma-Informed? When to book a discovery call A discovery call is a good next step if you want help turning these ideas into consistent practice across a system. This is especially useful when: You lead a department, school, district, agency, or nonprofit team and want a clear communication rhythm that reduces misfires Hard conversations keep getting delayed, escalated, or pushed into side channels You are dealing with burnout risk and want to stabilize culture without adding more pressure You want trauma-informed norms that move from values on paper to behaviors in meetings Discovery call link: https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/bookings/shenandoah-discovery Poli poli, slowly, slowly. One step at a time.

If you've been feeling exhausted lately, not from doing too much, but from something harder to name, this one is for you. In this video, Shenandoah gets personal about a kind of burnout that doesn't show up in your task list. It's the burnout that comes from being the reliable one, the calm one, the one who holds it together for everyone else. She breaks down three types of over-carrying (emotional, decision, and identity), shares the language she's been using to shift her own patterns, and reminds us that leadership is not about holding it all. It's about holding it well. Burnout is often framed as a workload problem, but many leaders and helping professionals experience burnout because they are carrying responsibilities, emotions, and identities that were never theirs to hold. In this video, Shenandoah Chefalo explores emotional over-carrying, decision over-carrying, and identity over-carrying, and offers practical insights for building healthier leadership habits and preventing burnout. Resources to support your next step. Burnout, emotional regulation, and more. If what Shenandoah shared landed with you, these tools are a natural place to go deeper. Free Downloads Burnout Check-In A quick tool to spot burnout signals early and identify practical next steps. A direct companion to this conversation. Download Now Emotional Regulation Toolkit for Work Ten regulation techniques plus a personal plan and 14-day tracker, designed for people doing hard work in high-demand environments. Download Now My Self-Care & Safety Plan A fillable one-page plan for when you're overwhelmed and need to know where to turn. Download Now Relationship-Building Scripts Nine trust-building phrases with guidance on when to use them — connects directly to the language Shenandoah shares in this video. Download Now Go Deeper Burnout Prevention Playbook ($29) Structural tools for leaders who want to shift team conditions, not just manage symptoms. Order Now Neuroscience of Trauma for Busy Leaders ($19) Understand why the survival skills Shenandoah describes follow us into leadership, and what to do about it. Watch Now Lead Like a Human: The Leadership Pocket Playbook ($15) Quick-reference tools for trust, accountability, and navigating team friction without losing your humanity. Order Now Break the Cycle: A 7-Day Email Program ($39) A short, guided program to recognize and interrupt the repeated patterns that show up when we over-carry. Sign Up Book a Free Consultation We offer complimentary consultations for organizations exploring trauma-informed training, leadership development, and implementation support. https://www.chefaloconsulting.com/contact

Trauma-informed leadership is not soft leadership. It is skilled leadership. If you have ever heard someone say, “We cannot hold people accountable because they have been through a lot,” or “We cannot give honest feedback because it might trigger someone,” stay with me. Trauma-informed leadership is not about lowering the bar. It is about changing the way we help people reach that bar. If your workplace is full of burnout, conflict, or quiet quitting, I am going to say something that might sting. You may not have a motivation problem. You may have a nervous system problem. In this post, I will break down what trauma-informed leadership really is, what it is not, and the scripts you can use immediately in meetings, supervisions, one-on-ones, and hard conversations. TL;DR Trauma-informed leadership reduces unnecessary harm and increases capacity so people can do good work without sacrificing their health. It is not trauma-focused, not permissive, and not therapy. High care and high clarity means the standard stays high, and support gets more specific. Use the micro-scripts below to strengthen boundaries, feedback, de-escalation, and repair. Start here: a free download you can use this week Guide to Holding Community Meetings https://guide.chefaloconsulting.com/community-meetings If your team needs more consistency and safer communication, this guide helps you build a simple meeting rhythm that lowers anxiety and increases clarity. What trauma-informed leadership is Here is the simplest definition I know: trauma-informed leadership reduces unnecessary harm and increases capacity so people can do good work without sacrificing their health and wellbeing. Trauma-informed does not mean trauma-focused. You are not becoming someone’s therapist. You are becoming a leader who understands how stress and trauma show up in communication, behavior, and performance, for yourself and for others. People do not leave their humanity at the door. They bring grief. They bring chronic stress. They bring past workplaces that punished honesty. If you are a leader, you are already leading in the presence of trauma. The question is whether you are doing it with skill. Safety is not a vibe. Safety is a practice. Three myths that derail trauma-informed leadership Myth 1: Trauma-informed leadership means lowering expectations Trauma-informed leadership does not lower the bar. It strengthens the ladder. When expectations get vague, people do not feel safe. They feel anxious. When you do not know what success looks like, your nervous system starts guessing, and it usually guesses wrong. The trauma-informed shift is not lowering expectations. It is increasing clarity, increasing support, and creating predictable pathways to succeed. Supervision script: “I am keeping the standard high because this work matters. And I am committed to supporting you so you can meet it sustainably. Let’s get specific about what success looks like and what support you need.” Personal note: I recently missed this with my own team. I can think two, five, and ten years ahead. That is not always sustainable for the people around me. High care and high clarity means I name the bar clearly, then I ask, “What do you need to do that?” Myth 2: Trauma-informed leadership is just being nice Nice avoids. Kind tells the truth with care. Trauma-informed leadership is not permissive. It is not anything goes. A trauma-informed workplace is a workplace where boundaries are normal. Boundaries protect people and relationships. If you do not have boundaries, you do not have trust. Boundary scripts you can use today: When someone adds “just one more thing”: “I want to support you, but I also need to honor the limits of my capacity. Let’s decide what we are deprioritizing to make space for this.” When someone needs you to fix it right now: “I hear that this feels urgent. I can meet with you at two. In the meantime, what is one step you can take that would reduce the pressure right now?” Rescuing creates dependency. Resourcing builds capacity. Myth 3: Trauma-informed leadership is for therapists, not leaders You do not need to diagnose anyone. You do not need to treat anyone. You do need to stop escalating people. This work is about how you supervise, communicate, and respond under pressure. People may not remember every word you said, but they do remember how their bodies felt in the room with you. This is not therapy. It is skilled leadership. A simple trauma-informed leadership framework: three pillars Pillar 1: Safety through consistency The brain likes routine. When leaders are predictable in how they meet, how they supervise, and how they communicate, anxiety drops. Consistency is calming. If your work is unpredictable, that is exactly why you build consistency where you can. Rituals matter. Pillar 2: Transparency that builds trust Transparency does not mean sharing everything personally or professionally. It means sharing enough context for people’s nervous systems to relax. Try this script: “Here is what we know. Here is what we do not know. Here is what we are deciding today. Here is what we will revisit later.” When leaders do not share context, people fill in the blanks. And most nervous systems fill in the blanks with fear. Pillar 3: Regulate before you react You cannot lead well from a dysregulated nervous system. If your words say you are safe, but your behavior says someone is a problem, people will believe your behavior. Practice the pause. Lower your voice. Slow your pace. Name what you are noticing. Lead from steadiness. Five micro-scripts for meetings and hard conversations Validation without rescuing “I hear how heavy this is. Let’s take one step at a time. What is the next most doable step? What can we get done today or this week?” A boundary without being cold “I care about you and I am not available for that right now. Here is what I can do. Here is what I cannot.” De-escalation in the moment “Let’s pause. I can feel the tension. I want both of us to feel heard. Can we slow down and take this one piece at a time?” Clear feedback with support “That did not meet my expectations. Let’s get specific about what was missing and what support will help you meet the standard next time.” Repair after a misstep “I have been thinking about what I said earlier. It did not land the way I intended. I want to repair that. Can we revisit it?” Personal note: I recently facilitated a hard conversation with a group and the energy was escalating. I asked everyone to stand up and move around the room while we talked. It was powerful to watch what shifted when we were not stuck in our seats staring at each other. Common mistakes leaders make Over-accommodating instead of co-regulating. Over-accommodating says, “We will stop expecting anything.” Co-regulating says, “I am here with you and we can do hard things together.” Avoiding feedback out of fear. Silence is not safety. Silence is uncertainty. Avoidance grows into a bigger collective disturbance over time. Branding yourself trauma-informed without practicing it. Culture is what you repeat, even when you are stressed. Next steps: downloads first, then implementation support Start with one download and try one script in your next meeting. Then, if you want support embedding these practices across a school, court, nonprofit, or public agency, book a discovery call. Free downloads Guide to Holding Community Meetings: https://guide.chefaloconsulting.com/community-meetings Five Core Agreements Assessment Toolkit: https://guide.chefaloconsulting.com/five-core-agreements Burnout Prevention Plan: https://guide.chefaloconsulting.com/burnout-prevention-plan Trauma-Informed Implementation Guide: https://guide.chefaloconsulting.com/tig Related reads 7 Trauma-Informed Phrases: https://www.chefaloconsulting.com/post/7-trauma-informed-phrases-i-use-every-day-as-a-trauma-informed-consultant 11 Trauma-Informed Boundary Phrases: https://www.chefaloconsulting.com/post/11-trauma-informed-boundary-phrases-to-use-at-work Listen to the episode: Trauma-Informed Leadership Is NOT What You Think | Podcasts Book a discovery call: https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/bookings/shenandoah-discovery Take the 2-minute leadership quiz: https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/quiz/tGK9qmCLmhUj1ggJKwv3 Poli poli, slowly, slowly. One step at a time. FAQ What is trauma-informed leadership? Trauma-informed leadership reduces unnecessary harm and increases capacity so people can do good work without sacrificing their health and wellbeing. Is trauma-informed leadership soft? No. It is skilled leadership. It holds standards while increasing clarity, support, and predictable pathways to succeed. Does trauma-informed leadership mean I have to be a therapist? No. You are not diagnosing or treating anyone. You are leading with consistency, transparency, and nervous system awareness under pressure. What is high care and high clarity? High care and high clarity means the standard stays high, and you provide clear expectations and the support people need to meet them sustainably. What is one trauma-informed boundary script I can use today? “I want to support you, but I need to honor the limits of my capacity. Let’s decide what we are deprioritizing to make space for this.” What is repair in workplace culture? Repair is revisiting a misstep and naming the impact so trust can be rebuilt. It is a leadership practice that strengthens culture over time.

Did you know that we have over 400,000 children in the foster care system each day in the United States? It's appalling and most States are seeing spikes in the number of referrals they are getting this year, and it is estimated that by the end of the year 2015 we will have close to half a million children living in foster care. What perhaps is even more astonishing than the pure volume of children living in care are the atrocious outcomes that face them once they age out of the foster care system. On average over 23,000 children age out of foster care each year. Meaning, they attained an age (18 in most states, but some have increased this number to 21) where they no longer have support systems in place. Of those we who age out, less than 58% will graduate from high school. Only 3% will move on to college, with less than 1% actually graduating. 71% of the females aging out will be pregnant by 21 and nearly 95% of the males aging out will become imprisoned within 20 months of aging out. 1 in 4 experience PTSD. The numbers go on and on. Former foster youth make on average 54% less than their peers, are disproportionately unemployed and using public assistance. The numbers don’t lie, and we must understand them if we want to understand why we need to make significant changes to the foster care system, it is the breeding ground for all of our other social systems in this country. There is no one agency, no one social worker, no one government, no one parent, or foster parent to blame for the state of our system. The truth is, we have all failed these children and we continue to fail them each day that we choose to do nothing. There are solutions and organizations that are working hard to change these outcomes. For more information on dealing with children in trauma please check out the Adverse Childhood Experience Study (http://www.acestudy.org) This study shines significant light on the link between childhood trauma to long term social and health consequences. If you have a study or organization that you would like me to take a look at, please contact me or leave a comment on this blog. I am specifically looking for any studies that relates to foster care and PTSD, an issue that I don’t think many have considered looking at yet. In the following posts I will be discussing some solutions that are working at various points around the country and profiling some interesting individuals who are doing incredible work. As always you can contact me via my email at shen@chefaloconsulting.com , via any of my social media outlets.

Earlier this week, President Obama commuted the sentences of 46 people who he said were serving sentences disproportionate to their crimes. They were all serving time for drug-related offences. After he commuted their sentences, President Obama called for reform to the criminal justice system. He was quoted as saying, “In far too many cases, the punishment simply doesn’t fit the crime.” President Obama is calling for a fairer and more equitable criminal justice system. This would entail a federal review of solitary confinement, the restoration of voting rights to former felons, and the passage of a sentencing reform bill by Congress. I agree with the President. The criminal justice system has been out of balance for a long time. As a nation, we must face the fact that while we represent roughly 5% of the world’s population, the United States makes up 25% of the worlds total prison population. Simply put, we imprison our citizens at a higher rate than any other nation! I believe that there is more to the issue than simply passing sentencing-reform bills. We need to understand who is in prison, and why. Where do these prisoners come from? On a personal and socio-economic level, what if anything do they have in common? When asked about prisons and inmates the average American believes in generalizations like the idea that inmates come from low-income households, raised by single mothers from urban areas. It's stereotyping at its best. However, there is one common thread that (in some estimations) unites over 80% of the United States prison population: at one point in their lives, they were all foster children! We have known for decades about the foster-care-to-prison pipeline, yet we continue to do nothing to address the source of the problem. For decades, politicians have called for reform to the criminal justice system, the prison system, and increased spending on law enforcement. While at the same time, our society continues to cut programs in schools, sports and extra-curricular activities for children. It seems, that music, art and social wellbeing aimed at single parent households and children are the first to go. In tough economic times, families struggle to make ends meet. Many times they are unable to provide for their children. Desperation can lead to bad choices and result in the system taking control of their children. With over 400,000 children currently in foster care, we are at a point of critical mass. Caseworkers are overwhelmed. Qualified foster parents are in short supply. Sometimes, we remove children from a situation only to place them in a new home that is no better than where they came from. Without a review and overhaul of the foster-care system, we may never see the results in the criminal justice system that we so desperately want and need. Over the years, my husband, a criminal defense attorney, has dealt with many people in crisis. He has expressed his frustration at how difficult it is to get out of the system, once it gets it grip on a person. Many times, with costs, fines and conditions of probation, single parents are set up to fail. He understands that the system itself, from judges, public defenders, prosecutors and probation officers are overwhelmed. He says that it could be as simple as “without demand, there is no need for supply.” He is referring to the cheap heroin that is overtaking our small Northern Michigan community. After there was a crackdown on the ability for people to get prescriptions for serious pain medications, they resorted to the purchase of illegal narcotics. With that increased demand, there was a flood of small time drug dealers willing to satisfy their need. Thus, without the demand, there would be no suppliers. Applying this simple economic principle, if we create reform designed to eliminate the conditions in our society that impact impoverished parents, help restore educational programs, and address the theories of the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE’s) study, we will produce fewer desperate families and thus less of a potential supply for the foster care and criminal justice system.

We all have small secrets. Shenandoah Chefalo had a big painful secret, that she only shared with her husband… after the wedding. Her new book, Garbage Bag Suitcase, tells the world her childhood story of being neglected and abused by a drug addicted mother and choosing to be placed into the foster care system at 13. Now, a highly respected and successful professional woman living in a small midwestern town, nobody would ever guess her painful story. This is not an easier story to hear. Shen is an amazing woman of such inner strength, that somehow she has managed to become a miracle of the foster care system and a survivor of neglectful and abusive parenting. She speaks very directly to us, matter of factly, instructing us to ask ourselves “What happened to that person?” instead of “What’s WRONG with that person?”. What “happened” to Shenandoah could have been any of us. How would you have fared in such a story? Most would become addicts, drop out of school, ending up in prison. But not Shenandoah. LISTEN NOW

I am very excited to bring you my first guest blog. In full disclosure, I met Cathy Anther-Fialon, at a webcast on a seminar regarding building trauma informed communities. It won't be hard for you to understand that we immediately hit it off. Up until that point I had been working in my community, primarily isolated and the progress was slow. After out interaction, we have been able to move our community forward, together at a more rampant pace, which is good for my own mental health and well-being. Schools teach. Schools teach reading, writing, and arithmetic. But what happens when a child can’t learn what is taught? What can a teacher do with a child who can’t learn? Classrooms have steadily been growing. In these larger classrooms of 25+ it is nearly impossible for a teacher to dedicate the individual attention a student in distress may need. But why wouldn’t a child be capable of learning? When a people experience adversity or toxic stress their brain, in an effort to be protective, signals the body to fight, flight, freeze or submit. This is a life saving response when confronted with immediate danger like an angry bear while out hiking on a trail. In childhood if the adversity or toxic stress is within the family or immediate environment the brain acts just like there is an angry bear present. The child’s brain goes into its evolutionary fight, flight, and freeze mode. In childhood the brain experiences a period of unparalleled growth and development, which means the brain, can actually develop in a way that fight, flight, freeze or submit become the programmed response. When a brain is responding to danger in fight, flight, or freeze mode other parts of the brain actually shut down. When danger is present, the brain does not take time to strategize, access executive level functioning, or consider options. Also, under these conditions the brain signals the body to release hormones to aid in the danger response. These chemicals bathe every cell in the body, priming them to respond to danger. They impact hunger and digestion. They impact eyesight and smell. The body becomes hyper- vigilant. Now imagine, if a brain develops under these conditions to the point that these conditions become the brain’s norm. These children cannot learn, because a brain experiencing danger is not in the position to learn new information- organizing and interpreting the new information with executive functioning skills. The brain is instead stuck in a mode of constantly scanning the environment for the next threat. This trauma brain syndrome is experienced by millions of children in classrooms across the country every day. There are two solutions to help children learn and escape the negative impacts of trauma brain syndrome. The first solution is prevention. Prevent childhood adversity. Prevent childhood trauma. However, many times the adversity is not preventable or the risk of adverse circumstances is not known to those who can offer support to prevent. The second solution is to build resilience (The Fourth “R”) Help children reach a place of resilience. According to a leading researcher Emily Werner (1995), resilience is the ability to achieve positive life outcomes despite risk and the ability to rebound from adversity with strength. Harvard’s Center of the Developing Child Supportive Relationships and Active Skill-Building Strengthen the Foundations of Resilience (2015), details how resilience is built in children. To reach resilience a child needs one, not two or three, but only one, positive, stable, adult relationship. Only one. There are other factors which contribute to resilience, but the most important and most successful is for a child to have access to one, positive, stable, adult relationship. This adult relationship does not have to be a parent. It can be any adult. Reaching the fourth R- resilience can be accomplished at school. How can a teacher, with an over-crowded class, be the stable, positive adult relationship for each child? How can an overburdened teacher offer the kind of personal relationship needed? It doesn’t have to be the teacher. The connection can be offered by a classroom volunteer, a bus driver, a cafeteria staff person, any adult in the school environment. The adult needs to be consistent, positive, and needs to regularly reach out to listen to the child and share conversation with the child. So, with dwindling budgets, over-crowded classrooms, low staff salaries, what if school staff can’t dedicate enough time to develop a positive, stable relationship with every single child? The solution begins with the community. Schools offer opportunity for community members to volunteer, in fact, they welcome volunteers. Helping children reach resilience prepares them to weather any kind of adversity they may experience. It allows a child to avoid the negative impacts of a trauma brain and have the ability to learn. A resilient brain can access executive functioning. A child with the ability to learn has a greater possibility of becoming a healthy, happy, productive adult adding to the greater community in a positive way. I offer a thank you to all of the school staff across the nation dedicated to helping children reach resilience. Thank you to all of the school volunteers. You do make a difference. Your time and energy is building our future community. Let’s agree every child deserves to have access to at least one, stable, positive adult in their life. Let’s agree to make this happen. Cathy Anthofer-Fialon holds a PhD in human services. She has previously worked in domestic violence victim/survivor advocacy, with the juvenile justice system, and in higher education. She currently dedicates her time to educating others about the lifetime impacts of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) and inspiring resilience. To stay up to date with Garbage Bag Suitcase, sign up for our newsletter by clicking here .

Last year at this time, I received a private Facebook message from an individual who was struggling. She was a professional who was concerned about youth but didn't have much time to volunteer or mentor, but after hearing me speak, she felt motivated to do something to help foster youth. I remembered her because we had talked at an event for a while, trying to find something that would work for her schedule. In the end, she decided to sponsor a foster child for the holidays. Connecting via a church that was near her she decided to sponsor a child and provide gifts and necessities over the holidays. She thought it was an excellent way for her to positively impact a child. She detailed in her message how over several weeks she went to the store, really trying to pick out things that would be perfect for the child she had. She wanted to be thoughtful. For the particular program that she chose, the exchange did not happen anonymously, but instead, there was a huge Christmas Party held, and you got to meet the "secret admirer" if you will. She couldn't wait. She felt that she had picked wonderful gifts a mix of necessities and "wants" and she couldn't wait for the child to open the gifts. She arrived early, arranged them just so, and proudly adjusted her nametag. When the child walked in, she was greeted with a smile, and the two sat and chatted, school, homework, the upcoming holiday break. She said she was elated when it was time for the child to open the gifts. As she handed the first gift over, she felt her stomach drop. The child cautiously opened the present and said thank you as she set it on the table, not paying much attention. She immediately thought that perhaps the child did not like the gift and offered to return or exchange it for the child. The child refuted her attempts. "Perhaps the next one will be better." But the reaction was the same from the child, every time. She was now writing me because she didn't understand what had happened what she had done wrong. She had so been looking forward to the opportunity to have a positive interaction with a child in need, and this was not what she had hoped. I read her message to me several times and then asked her to email me. I was buying myself time to respond. I knew immediately why it had gone that way, but I needed to think about the best way to translate to this woman who was trying to do the "right" thing. I have talked in previous blogs and even in the book about my struggles and difficulties with accepting gifts. I have to work at it. I never feel that I am giving the right amount of enthusiasm that one should. I am always grateful that someone took the time to purchase a gift for me, but I still feel awkward. I thought on her message overnight. When I woke up, I thought the best approach would be to do some follow up. "Have you talked with the group that put the event on?" You may be interrupting the emotions and feelings about the event incorrectly. I know for me that it is often hard to express myself at the moment, it is awkward and feels forced, because I want to give the person as much satisfaction as I can, but I feel like I'm doing it wrong. Joy is tough for me to share, and perhaps it is with your child as well. I've talked to lots of former foster youth who all say that while they enjoy shopping and picking out the perfect gift for someone else, they find it very difficult to acknowledge or accept gifts from others. In fact, most like me, prefer to avoid those situations. I would do anything to have my birthday wholly forgotten. I do not enjoy having a big deal made out of it. Perhaps it is because my birthday was forgotten as a child; maybe it is because whenever someone did something for you, there was an expectation for something in return. Perhaps it's my brain's way of telling me that pure joy isn't a brain pathway that I developed and that I should try and live in that space a bit more. It could be guilt as well. I always feel a bit guilty when I receive something, both of do I deserve a gift and what about all the others that don't get anything? I'm not sure, but I do know that gift exchanges are something I struggle with to this day. We had a bit of back and forth, and eventually, she was able to get resolution. She received a wonderfully handwritten note from her child thanking her for all the beautiful gifts. She also received a phone call from the organization letting her know that they had never seen her child smile so much and that several of the gifts found their way to other children in the home that had not been able to participate in the exchange. Foster care and trauma are complicated. Children who have experienced these difficult life circumstances do not always behave in the way that we may like; they grow up to be adults who still struggle to express themselves, but I can tell you that your good deeds do not go forgotten or unseen. You perhaps may have wanted to see the child jumping for joy, and their reaction may have been a letdown. However, that doesn't mean you didn't plant a seed of goodness, a seed of hope and isn't that what the Holidays are supposed to be about? Shenandoah Chefalo is a former foster youth, and advocate. She is the author of the memoir, Garbage Bag Suitcase, and co-founder of the grassroots movement #4600andcounting You can learn more about her and her work at www.garbagebagsuitcase.com or https://www.facebook.com/4600andcounting .

Sorry I’ve been silent. I’ve been brooding, angry over the system, policies and government. I find it is best that I don’t write when I’m angry, but this last bout of anger doesn’t seem to be going away, so I hope that you don’t mind that I finally decided to try and vent on my blog. It started rather simply: I was reading the latest report from the National Center of Law for Children. They do one every year. I could barely get through paragraph two before I was writing questions in the margins. Then that boiled over and I ended up with more questions that when I started. Then I joined a Twitter Chat about foster care, and there I saw it again: People giving the answers they thought people wanted to hear — basically, reassuring themselves that everything there were doing was right. I have said it numerous times: I don’t believe anyone comes into advocacy work with children for the wrong reasons. I believe everyone comes with a huge heart and a hope to change the system. BUT … I can’t help noticing that at some point everyone just wants to be told that what they are doing is right, even though outcomes show it’s not. We want to be told we are right so much, that we tend to blindfold ourselves to the reality happening around us. And to be frank, I’m not sure I can take it. Here is just a status check: FOSTER CARE IS FAILING AT EVERY LEVEL! We cannot continue to settle for these pie in-the-sky ideals and fancy programs with names that make us feel good like THE FAMILY FIRST ACT. It sounds wonderful. Who doesn’t want to put families first? But every time I read the act, I find myself even more angry. Does anyone take the time to understand what the act actually means and what that will look like if implemented? How it affects other programs that are working, and how it can set unrealistic goals for already struggling families? Long ago when I first started in advocacy I was given a great book about making systems changes on social issues. It was hammered into me that you need to understand that by introducing a new program that there are consequences both good and bad. You have to understand what implementation looks like, and how your perhaps positive idea might have negative impacts on other people. I don’t know why this is such a hard concept for most nonprofits to understand. You simply do not work in a small box, you have far-reaching impacts and need to be more careful! I repeat again, we cannot continue to settle for things like “mandatory bio parent visitations.” Don’t get me wrong I love the idea of it, but take it another step —h how is it going to actually work? How do you get bio parents to a location? How about kids? What about parents that are incarcerated or hospitalized? (No mention of course for what to do in any of those very real situations.) What about parents who don’t show for visitations? Again … silence. Having an idea is only one part of the problem, you have to implement that idea, hopefully with as little negative consequence as possible. I’ve always been big on trying something new, giving it a whirl and seeing what happens. It was that attitude that helped me survive my childhood and find a place in the adult world. That has consequences, most I wasn’t prepared for. With a brain that is beginning to heal itself from it’s past trauma, I want advocates of change to come together, and to work toward a common goal. I want us to be willing to try things, but to understand that some of the ideals we envision, can’t play out in the practical world. That when we try to implement the change, the ideal that we thought would beneficial might not be — we have to be willing to accept defeat and to let go of that idea and move into new ones. We have to be flexible. We have to be accepting of defeats and of success. We have to be willing to think that one solution alone is going to change anything. I’ve come to realize that it is multiple solutions and oftentimes, the ability to have multiple solutions that will more readily impact child welfare. Shenandoah Chefalo is a former foster youth, and advocate. She is the author of the memoir, Garbage Bag Suitcase, and co-founder of the grassroots movement #4600andcounting You can learn more about her and her work at www.garbagebagsuitcase.com or www.4600andcounting.org .